the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize