apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
