Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
