Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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