Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
People with herpes should wear stickers.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
