No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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