Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
