And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
