I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
