Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I need to stop coming to work sober
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
