dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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