I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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