he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
