i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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