toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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