I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
