So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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