i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i think im in europe. pls send help
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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