If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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