just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
