Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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