So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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