so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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