whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
