just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
don't judge my taste in strippers
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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