connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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