Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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