Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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