make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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