Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
im on a boat
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