Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
