oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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