You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
