She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
