I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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