he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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