8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
