If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
