I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
