I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
