nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
