he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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