im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
