Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
