I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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