i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
