def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
