good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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