i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
