i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
My ATM looks so different sober.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize