Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize
