you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Randomize
