You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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