I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
