thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
