Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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