im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
