I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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