Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Is it because I queefed?
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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