my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
