If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
