I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
